New Perspective

1/1/2016

302.2

 

 

I have dieted and I have failed.
 

I have been bulimic and I have failed.
I have tried weight watchers, alli, meridia, the gastric band, HcG, Almased, Master Cleanse and I have failed.

Today, I will sit here and analyze why I have failed with these.

Bulimia: I was young and I was tired of throwing up all my food

Weight Watchers: Now this one, this one worked for a while. The combo of counting points and counting exercise. That one was a good one. Every time I have tried WW, I have succeeded in losing 30 -50 lbs. Depending on my age and how determined I was. The problem with this was that as soon as I stopped going to the meetings, I started gaining it ALL back. And more. I don’t think the problem was the program. The problem was me.

Alli & Meridia: These are grouped because I used them together. Now these worked great combined. They took away the hunger (Meridia) and when I did eat, it took away the fat (Alli). Thing is, I believe wholeheartedly that I got my high blood pressure so young because of these. Not to mention the disgusting side effects. Yeah, those side effects. No more.

Gastric Band: Holy shitstorm of bad luck, Batman. Now, when it was on for the first year, I did lose 80 lbs. I loved it. It became my limit bearer. I felt full faster, and I knew what to eat and when. I couldn’t just shove a ton of spaghetti because it would come right back up. I seriously loved the Gastric Band, and if I could do it again, I would in a heartbeat, but alas it was not meant to be. The 1^st band was eating into my stomach so it had to be taken out and replaced. When the 2^nd one was put in, my body rejected it. After 1 week in the hospital (4 of those in CICU) I was told that it would no longer be possible since I had created an immune response to it and would continue to do so.

HcG: Now this one was next. This happened the year after I had the Gastric Band taken out. Now in theory, this one should have worked as well. They inject you with the hormone HcG and your appetite and cravings go down. There is a 500 calories a day diet that goes along with it. Now, with 500 calories a day, OF COURSE you are going to lose weight.

And I did.

But, it was too expensive to maintain, I was losing weight very slowly and
it never really took my hunger away.

If it doesn’t take my hunger away, I don’t really want to continue on it.

Almased & Master Cleanse: I grouped these together because they are very similar in application. Basically, you go on a liquid fast for a couple of days and then you reset or cleanse your body and start new. Now, for both of them, I have been able to keep them up for up to 10 days (Almased) 15 days (Master Cleanse) I have learned that after that, my weight loss stabilizes and I’m just starving myself for nothing. The problem is the rebound. My body loses excess amount of weight during that time, so when I start eating solids again, it stores it all away and I gain the weight back, which freaks me out and I just say fuck it and start eating again. Completely wrong.

And so, I have come to the conclusion that all of these have at some point or another worked for me in the short term.

But in the long term, they have not. Why?

Me

All me

My mind and my heart are not fully in.

When I lost 80lbs, I had all the motivation in the world. I was single and had energy. I didn’t have too many responsibilities. I wanted to lose the weight. But maybe for the wrong reasons.

I wanted to be thin. I thought that by being thin, I would get a better job, get a boyfriend, find friends, be popular, and be pretty. All superficial reasons, but powerful reasons in my mind. Those were the impetus I needed to succeed in my endeavor to lose weight.

Fast forward to me getting my Gastric Band off.  I almost lost my life. I almost died. My oldest son (only 18 months at the time) would have grown up without a mom, all because I wanted to be thin. And so, on that weight loss of 56lbs, I was driven to be healthy, and do it on my own. To be known as the one that could lose that weight because I was strong willed.

And then my world came crashing down. As I write this, my heart burns with sorrow, it is hard. My husband hit some a major bump in our marriage. My self-esteem went out the window. I was no longer happy. I had lost ALL this weight and looked better than I had in years, even better than when we were dating!

WTF.

Towel thrown in.

I don’t think I have recuperated totally from this. I totally gave up. I just said fuck it. It doesn’t matter what I do. I’m still not good enough. I don’t have the will power anymore to continue on the journey, and well, I stopped caring.

And worst thing, this actually made me closer to my husband. See our relationship was and is partly based on foods we love. Our dates consisted on restaurants or movies that had a food integrated in them. OR, we would just pick up food (mostly wings and pizza) and go back to the apartment to play video games and eat. We would see commercials and decide what to eat based on what restaurant had new stuff. To give perspective, when the McRib would come out, it was cause for a celebration! We would plan our day on the day it came back. At night we would open up a new cheese dip and try it out. Food was the basis of our relationship. Heck, one of the first things I made for my husband was a cheesecake, his favorite. This led to our first real date.

Now, I’m not blaming my husband. Not in the least bit. We are both a sort of foodies. We love food. It’s comforting. It’s happy in a bite. And if I had the metabolism of my father’s family, we would not be having this conversation at all.

But alas, we come to the next problem on the list. My metabolism. My digestive system.

What is wrong with it?

At this point, I don’t know. I’ve been told I have food allergies, yeast allergy, gluten intolerance and celiac disease. I know that I have malabsorption issues and others that are underlying. I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) which also causes my sugars to go bezek. I have pre-diabetic tendencies and I have high-blood pressure.
I can’t drink or eat anything with high fructose corn syrup or I get migraines from hell. I need all my vitamins in liquid or gel form so I can digest and absorb better.

At this point, I believe my body has been through so much, that it just said the hell with you, I’m storing everything you eat and will sort it out later.

Thanks body; I love you, too.

So what now? Am I doomed? Am I to live my life as a 300lbs woman?

No. I refuse to believe so.

But I also believe that I have to deal with my issues before I can truly change. I have to address my concerns and my limitations. I have to slowly change my perspective and decide what I really want.

It will be hard, almost impossible. But I have done impossible before. I have the will power in me. I have to believe that there is no one or anything else that can help me to lose the weight.

 

I just have to believe in me.

 

Dear Diary. Week 1.

I began on New Years Day.

I seriously didn't want to see how much I weighed but I did it.

298.6lbs.
Janurary 1st, 2015 9a.m.

WOW.

Yeah, that's not good.

 

I had already made up my mind to change my eating habits.

Again.

Like I have mentioned. I tend to do this in cycles. I loose, a lot, and get scared. SO I revert back to eating and eating and eating.

It's not only what I eat, but amounts.

 

I have been on the Weight Watchers program, and that has worked for me before. But now, I have so many dietary restrictions by being a Celiac and Allergic to almost everything that tastes good.

Kidding. Not Kidding.

 

Just to name a few of the things I'm allergic to or cannot eat.

Wheat

Barley

Rye

Malt

Oats

Whole Wheat Flour

  Durum

 Wheat Graham Flour

  Triticale

  Kamut

  Lupin Flour

Semolina

  Spelt

  Farina Flour

Wheat Germ

  Wheat Bran

  Yeast -Both Brewer's Yeast and Baker's Yeast

Autolized Yeast

Soybeans

Lactose

MSG

GMO

Modified Food Starch

High Fructose Corn Syrup

Red, Orange & Yellow Dyes

Peanuts

Almonds

Cashews

Pistachios

Sigh, If they take away my beloved Potato I will just want to curl up and not go anywhere.

This is everything.

Is there hope?

My doctors are perplexed as to why I still have the "wheat" belly.

 

I do have to admit, that although I haven't eaten any of the stuff that is bad for me, I have been eating stuff that is not healthy. A lot of GF Bread. A lot of Mexican Coke. A lot of tortillas. A lot of Cheeses. A lot of Meat covered in Oil. A lot of GF chips and Dips.

I haven't been exactly the poster child for healthy eating.

 

And so, I have done a complete overhaul of my eating.

This keeps getting harder and harder to start, or to keep it going.

The more responsibilities I take on, the harder it is to watch what I eat.

But it can be done. I have done it.

I cannot make any more excuses. I have to do.

I have to be fit and strong for my boys.

I want to see them grow up.

I want to be able to run around and play with them.

 

 

And so, this morning

January 5th, 2015 at 9:30am

I weighed myself after a complete do over on my eating. I have been eating healthy for 4 days.

295lbs.

3.6 pounds lost in 4 days with only eating healthy and cutting out the excess.

Not bad. Good Start.

Got to keep going and maintain it.

I hope to loose at least 2lbs per week.
This is the recommended healthy weightloss.

 

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

 

 



The Old Cliche

And so we start the new year.

2014 went by so fast. It really didn't stop from the start. Between my boys and their special needs classes, therapies and tutors, my business, my household, my marriage and school responsibilities, it hardly left any time for me. To take care of me. To focus on me and my health.

 

The question of, "How did I get this big?" is not really mine. I know exactly what happened. I stopped caring. I gave in to my cravings.

Every.Single.One.

And for as long as I can remember, that has been the case.

 

I believe I'm afraid.

 

I get to a certain point and then, I freak out.

 

50 lbs lost, 80 lbs lost, 60 lbs lost.

 

There is a cycle. I loose it and then I freak out about the changes in my body and I start eating. I'm not sure if it's an evolutionary thing or if it is a metal thing. But it happens to me.

Every.Single.Time.

 

I have been on diets since I was a teen.

I have had the gastric lap-band and almost died.

I have been diagnosed a Celiac and have multiple food allergies.

Still, I gain ALL the weight back, with interest.

 

I can't say I'm not going to do fall this year, but I have to keep trying.

I don't want another diagnosis.

I don't want Diabetes

I don't want Hypertension

I don't want Arthritis

I don't want a Hypothyroid

I don't want Depression

 

I have to be judged by the number of times I get up.

 

I will find time for me. I will find time to get healthy and loose all this excess weight.

I will.

 

 

 

 

Time to Begin, Again.

Life happens.
Lots of life happens.
Good things. Bad things. They all happen. Sometimes at once, sometimes one at a time. Time doesn't stop for anyone. Life continues.
I let Many things interfere with my weight loss, with my journey.
I let go.
I stopped caring.
Too many things to do. My Small Business. The Kids' activities and Therapies. Household chores; The endless dishes that piled up and act like Gremlins, you add water to them and they multiply.
It became easy to just drive thru the closest fast food joint.
Forget the fact that I'm a Celiac.
Forget the fact that I'm overweight.
Forget the fact that I'm Pre-diabetic and Hypertensive.
Forget the fact that I had lost 50lbs with hard work, dedication, sweat and Many, Many tears.
It slowly crept back up.
Until one day, I just couldn't look at myself in the mirror.
Nothing fit.
Nothing felt right.
I would wake up and couldn't even move my arms, they felt so weak.
I had difficulty breathing.
I had blinding headaches.

I hadn't stepped on a scale in Months.
It was time. I needed to.

I did it. I stepped on the scale and what looked back at me almost made me Cry.
My first shock.

This is what looked back at me.
This.
I. Me.
I have NEVER been this heavy.
I have never weighed 285.8lbs IN MY LIFE.

How did this happen, how did I let it go so far.
How did I become so complacent and decide I didn't care.

I almost died 6 years ago.
Did I not take my second chance seriously?
Why did I give up?

All these questions, just running through my head.
Why Did I decide It wasn't worth it to take care of myself?
Why even bother?
Why even believe I had any self worth?
Where had my self esteem gone?

Am I truly that dysfunctional?
After loosing 50lbs, How did I gain it all back plus 20 more?
Why did it not matter, the loss? To have so easily and so quickly forgotten my goals.

My goals.
They were clouded by those pesky things called obstacles.
And I so easily allowed them to.

It is time.
It is time to go back to work.
It is time to stop procrastinating and do something for me.

I can't guarantee I will not fail.
But that is okay.
I am not judged by the number of times I succeed, but by the number of times I fail and start again.

So.
After 11 months of unabashed eating, shameless binges, and no concern for my health, I'm ready.

I'm ready for something to change.
I'm ready to feel free of the constrains of food.
I'm ready to start feeling alive again.

After much consideration, A cleanse was imposed on me, and I agree.
My bloodwork was out of this world and I got in trouble.
I got a second shock.

I will Now chronicle this journey.
This starting again.

I have never said I was perfect.
My journey is mine, and mine alone.
It has it's highs and lows.

I have tried fad diets.
And I have tried procedures.
I have tried diet regiments
And I have tried diet supplements.

Something has to give.
Something has to work.
I have to change from within
To change my outside.

But this time it will be different.
This time I will chronicle, truly, my journey.
This time I will not be ashamed of how low I fell.
This time I will confess my good AND my bad.
This time I will lay it all out for you to see.

It's time to begin.

Open Letter to my Fat...

239.2

A few years back, I struggled with a Plateau. I could not seem to loose the weight. I had NSV. But I was getting discouraged. So my meetings Leader told me to write a letter to myself. Pour out my frustrations, getting everything off my chest.

Well, I didn't exactly want to give myself the third degree, since I was doing what I thought was right, and I felt that it would be displacing my anger toward who I really was upset at. Not myself, but my FAT. Yup, my pounds were at fault, they didn't want to leave me, no matter what I was doing right.

So I wrote my "Pounds" a letter....

"Dear 255#,

For a month now, you and I have been very close friends. We have spent 33 days of laughter and tears, OHHHH the tears.

I just wanted to say, that even though I haven't seen you in 3 years, it's time for you and me to part ways. Four weeks was enough for you and me, but it's now time for good-bye.

Believe me, 255#, when I tell you that I LOVED seeing you at first, but now it's time for me to see 253#. Parting is such sweet sorrow, but this time, the goodbye is forever.

Please let me go, I will cherish our time together, but I must move on. Please don't take it personally. It's not you, it's me. It's just not working for me, and I'm not happy with you anymore.

Please try to understand. There will be others that will be happy to see you. But for me, the excitement is gone.

LOVE always,

ALI
P.S. - CLINGING to me for another week WILL NOT make me change my mind.

253# and I have been exchanging numbers and we think we can make it work. I'm just not a monopounderist. I need to see other pounds.

Please don't make me resort to exercising more, cutting out WP and measuring ALL my food to get rid of you. That would be below you. But know this, I WILL do it if I'm forced to.

There are others like me that want to see you, Go to them and don't look back. I know I won't.

Frustratingly yours (for now)
ALI "

Take Care of You

"This is a lifestyle, not a Diet"

Very wise words that my WW leader uttered in one of my first meetings. Changing your whole attitude and mentality is a must, I repeat. This isn't a Diet. Again, diets are fast, easy solutions, that in the end don't work or set you up to fail since they are unsustainable for long term. 

Since this is a lifestyle, it is a must to take care of yourself. That includes not falling into the Bermuda Triangle. LOL. Let me explain. 

                                                                          Saboteur

                                                                             /       \

                                                                           /           \

                                                                         /               \

                                                                Jealousy ------- Instigators

These are your 3 major hurdles. Your Bermuda Triangle. It only takes one of them to suck you right in and lead you to fall. I'm careful to not say fail, because you can only fail if you give up. This is why if you happen to be caught in the Bermuda Triangle, you must break free and avoid it at all costs. 

SABOTEUR : This is the person who will try to "sabotage" or ruin your efforts. It's the person that will bring you a donut to your desk after saying you "look too thin" when you just finished saying you've lost some weight. This is the person that will fix your coffee and say "oops, I added an extra sugar" . This is the spouse that decides to take you out to dinner more often than usual, after you've lost significant weight. This is the "friend" that tells you, "oh, no need to exercise today! Come hang out with me instead"

JEALOSY: This not only refers to people, but feelings as well. Your feelings to be exact. You may get jealous of the friend that can eat anything and not gain weight. You, yourself might have been that person when you were younger and might be jealous of your past. DON'T. LET IT GO. Don't let it consume you. Be careful of those around you as well. They might be jealous of your success and thus become instigators, or even saboteurs. 

INSTIGATORS: Which leads me to the instigators. These can be direct or indirect. Direct instigators are those around you that have not become Saboteurs, YET. They will say things such as "one bit will not hurt", "you can cheat one day, I won't say a word" or my personal favorite, "don't be a party pooper, eat up!" these are the people that will try to make you feel guilty. DON'T LET THEM! This is important to keep in mind, since you can always talk back to a direct instigator. But what about an indirect one? These are your commercials and marketing. The food commercials that ome on the TV and say, "Yummy, eat me now!" Your Marketing in the Store that says, "50% off Potato Chips Humongoid Bag" WALK AWAY. TURN IT OFF. These are instigators, and they too, need to be dealt with. 

So, How to Cope with these People, you ask? 

Well there are certain steps you need to be aware of.  Only you can decide how to control the situation or how to handle it. Here are some Pointers:

* Be Prepared. Know an alternate option if someone offers you food you don't want to eat. If you know what is being served is not a healthy option, eat at home. Say you are full. Say you are allergic. Have a response ready. 

* Be assertive when saying NO. Saboteurs and Instigators smell fear! LOL, not really, but they can sense if you hesitate and will push you to say YES.

* Stay focused on your goal. 

* Use Positive Self-Talk. Use your previous success to your advantage. A simple "I'm good, thank you" can take you a long way. 

* If all else fails, WALK AWAY. It's better to hurt their feelings than hinder your efforts. They will get the idea and stop. And if they don't, you didn't need them in the first place. 

REMEMBER: Take care of yourself , no one else will do it for you. 

Thanks for visiting

ALI

Year One, and Gone.....

239

It's been a Year Now, since I restarted my Weightloss (WL) Journey and it's been a rollercoster ride.

So far, I have lost 38.4 lbs. 

In. One. Year.

I have to admit, I'm a bit disappointed. I'd hoped to be further along on my journey. But I do have to say that all month of June, I plateaued and stayed the same weight. In December (starting probably during Thanksgiving) I gained 10.2 lbs. 

So, this is where I'm at. I didn't go to my WW meetings all Winter Holidays. I slacked off on tracking my food, and ate as I pleased. 

This is the perfect time to bring up a motivational quote that I heard in a meeting, a while ago.

"I AM NOT JUDGED BY THE NUMBER OF TIMES

I FAIL,

BUT BY THE NUMBER OF TIMES

I SUCCEED"

I am reminded of the saying "eat to live, don't live to eat" it is important to understand the triggers to Binge eating. It's even more vital to get past the feeling and look for answers. 

* How did I get off course?

* What can I learn from this experience?

* How can I make it right? 

* What can I do to prevent this from happening again? 

Keep in mind, the answers are not easy to find. They are not easy to do. And they are certainly NOT easy to keep. But, once you ID your trigger and figure out how to avoid it, you are halfway there. 

Remember, one day at a time, no guilt and move on.

"OBSTACLES are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your GOAL"

Thanks for stoping by,

ALI