By now you have watched me yo-yo through 4 years of different diet plans, techniques and mindset restarts. I have tried programs and books. I have tried procedures and medications. Some have worked, short term. Yes, I have lost 10, 20, 40, 80 lbs, but I have gained it all back and then some.
I have poured my heart out and told my story. I have recounted my emotional tale to get trim and fit. I started this blog to record my journey, so I could look back and see my train of thought and what worked and what didn't. What worked and what didn't... that is the key in that sentence.
See, during all this time, a black little cloud kept circling around my head. It kept saying that I wouldn't succeed. It was there, it was always there. It was my skepticism that whatever I was doing at the time wouldn't work, or would only work for a bit.
I guess time had made me a little jaded. I kept failing and falling in each and every plan, diet, etc that I had tried or attempted.
The thing I realize now is that no matter what I was doing, I was doing it alone. I never seeked guidance. I thought I knew it all. I didn't follow the plans 100%. I read all the books and joined groups. I may have asked questions. I may have organized and prepared. But I never had cheerleaders in my corner.
When most of your food insecurities come from your upbringing, depending on family is not really an option. Sure, they cheered me on, at the same time they were handing me some tacos or tamales or other delicious goodies. And I don't blame them. They never forced me to eat anything. But it was the indirect sabotage that they may not have been aware of that inevitably caused my downfall.
My husband, my wonderful husband has always supported me in anything that I have wanted to do. He has always made me know that he would love me whether I was 150lbs. or 300lbs. I have never loved anyone as much as I love him. He gets me. He sees me for who I am, and has always remained at my side, just as I have for him. With that said, we are one in the same. Our food likes, and cravings. Our similarities are uncanny. So, cheat days became common. I don't think he was sabotaging me on purpose. I don't even think he knew that it was sabotage. I think he was trying to bring me happiness with the foods I liked to temporary break my bad mood from my restrictive diet. I never brought him into the fold with me.
And so, in essence, I've been alone. When doing these diets or regimens, I have never felt a connection to them. I've seen the before and after pictures of participants, but they were always of people who needed to loose 10, 20 pounds. None of them ever resonated with me. The only program that always had worked for me was Weight Watchers, and honestly the stories and pictures were always motivating because some were of people like me that need to loose 50-100+. But the thing is, that although the group help was there, (and I believe was a huge factor in my 80lbs WL) There was no personalized help. You went to the meetings and that was it. You listened. The help you got depended on the leader that day or that week. During my stint at WW, I had many different leaders. Some had only lost 10lbs, because that is what they needed to loose to become a healthy weight. Some had lost 40lbs. But I never had a leader that had lost as much as I needed to loose. That was one problem. The second problem was the aproachability or accessibility to these leaders. These meetings had sometimes 30-40 people and everyone wanted a chance to talk to the leaders. I would mostly give up and go on the message boards to have my questions answered. This led to me quitting the meetings all together and just doing it online. Well, that started the downfall. I no longer had the accountability of the face to face meetings. And that was another KEY. Only I knew my weight. Only I saw my food diary. And honestly, I didn't trust myself anymore. I would cheat and not record it. Alone. I would inevitability revert to doing it alone and by myself. And so, I would eventually quit when it became too much.
And there it is.
My three main issues:
1- Accountability
2- Support
3- Relatability
I can honestly say that none of the things I have tried in the past had all three.
None.
And that is why I failed in the past.
Sunday, June 19, 2016
Saturday, January 9, 2016
No comfort for me
1/2/16
300.6
Today I want to
analyze my past eating habits and influences.
I grew up in a
Mexican Family.
Food is central and sometimes the main attraction to most
events, parties, gatherings and everyday life. Planning out breakfast, lunch
and dinner usually takes place right after the previous meal is consumed.
Now, being in a
Mexican Family does not imply that the only thing we ate was Mexican food. Far
from it. Living in the border, there was a lot of variety of food. Pizza being
a Saturday night favorite, Burger King, McDonalds; all those were family
favorites.
When I was
young, under 8, I was allowed to eat anything and everything I
wanted. I wanted ice cream, “sure thing!” I wanted flour tortillas with butter
(OMG), “how many?” Things like quantity and quality didn’t really factor into
what I was eating. And honestly, it was the best time ever. Now, I believe at
this time is when I started to get plump. Bear in mind, that I had my go at any
food that I wanted to eat. I think to this day, I long for those days.
I digress.
The kicker was
the way it changed, overnight almost.
I began to be
told “no.” There was less on my plate. I was denied the foods that brought me
comfort. No more gansitos (Mexican snack cake), twinkies, and other snacks.
Chips were only when we had a party or during the Super Bowl (I think this is
when I developed my love for football) I could only have one soft drink and
then water. (Now, why I would have soft drink at 8, well, that’s marketing for
you. My kids don’t even touch that stuff) My food consumption had drastically
changed.
And then my
sister started eating solids. Now, I love my sister with all my heart, and
there is nothing she can do that is wrong in my eyes. I defended her with my
life, growing up. She was my baby and I would be dammed if someone or something
hurt her. That said, she was a very picky eater. So much so, that there were
things she wouldn’t eat. And so, my parents would buy the things she would. Like
mini pizzas, cheese, flour tortillas, chicken nuggets, apple juice, the thin
ham (sliced to almost tissue paper thickness) etc. I was told these foods were
for my sister, to not eat them. If I wanted juice, I had to drink the
orange/grapefruit because it burned the fat. (I WAS FREAKING 9 yrs. old!!) The
apple juice was reserved for my sister since that’s the only juice she
liked. Anyway, all those foods that were
bought, were for my sister since she didn’t eat anything else. I didn’t get mad
at her, though, it wasn’t really her fault. I was upset that all of a sudden, I
had my go at food and then it was taken away. I was mad at my parents. How was
it fair to deprive me of food that EVERYONE ELSE was eating?
So of course, I
did what any kid/teenager/adolescent would do, I started sneaking food. This
began around that time. I would get food from other places; grandparent’s
house, aunt’s house, friend’s houses. I would hide my candy from parties and if
they gave out chips, I would hoard them and hide them. I would wake up in the
middle of the night and go to the kitchen and make myself a sandwich (one of
the small pleasures in life) and eat it in the dark corner so no one would hear
me. When the boy scouts would sell chocolate at school, I would use my
allowance to buy 5-8 of those things. Wouldn’t tell a soul and eat them in my
room and hide the wrappers. During lunch (we couldn’t buy our lunch ourselves,
parents had to pay for the school lunches at my catholic school) I would
sometimes throw away my lunch before going into the cafeteria and the teachers
would feel bad for me and get me a hot lunch. This was usually when there was
pizza, lasagna or chicken nuggets.
* I
learned all the tricks to get the foods that I wanted.
* I learned how to sneak eat.
* I learned that all diet food was gross.
* I learned that I was too fat to eat all the good food (looking at my pictures
from back then, I was certainly not fat, not even close.)
* I
learned that what I wanted was not important.
* I
learned that the foods for others in the refrigerator is not for me (hence why
I still have a hard time eating food from my refrigerator if I bought it for
the kids or my husband)
* I
learned that I would eat just to spite my parents
* I
learned that I would eat to feel good about myself.
Food brought me
comfort. Food has ALWAYS made me feel better. The association of food with
celebration was ingrained in me early, and it has never subsided.
It is these
factors that I learned that has prevented me from realizing that food is just
an energy source. I have heard the term “EAT TO LIVE, NOT LIVE TO EAT” many
times, and I really, really want to make this my motto.
But inevitably,
I fall back to emotional eating.
If I feel sad, I eat.
If I am happy, I eat.
Depressed, eat.
Bored, eat.
I know that I
have to work on this. It’s one of my major, if not the biggest obstacles I have
in obtaining my goal.
Food is not my
comfort, I’ll have to remember that.
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
New Perspective
1/1/2016
302.2
I have dieted
and I have failed.
I have been bulimic and I have failed.
I have tried weight watchers, alli, meridia, the gastric band, HcG, Almased, Master Cleanse and I have failed.
I have tried weight watchers, alli, meridia, the gastric band, HcG, Almased, Master Cleanse and I have failed.
Today, I will sit here
and analyze why I have failed with these.
Bulimia: I was
young and I was tired of throwing up all my food
Weight
Watchers: Now this one, this one worked for a while. The combo of counting
points and counting exercise. That one was a good one. Every time I have tried
WW, I have succeeded in losing 30 -50 lbs. Depending on my age and how
determined I was. The problem with this was that as soon as I stopped going to
the meetings, I started gaining it ALL back. And more. I don’t think the problem
was the program. The problem was me.
Alli &
Meridia: These are grouped because I used them together. Now these worked great
combined. They took away the hunger (Meridia) and when I did eat, it took away
the fat (Alli). Thing is, I believe wholeheartedly that I got my high blood
pressure so young because of these. Not to mention the disgusting side effects.
Yeah, those side effects. No more.
Gastric Band:
Holy shitstorm of bad luck, Batman. Now, when it was on for the first year, I
did lose 80 lbs. I loved it. It became my limit bearer. I felt full faster, and
I knew what to eat and when. I couldn’t just shove a ton of spaghetti because
it would come right back up. I seriously loved the Gastric Band, and if I could
do it again, I would in a heartbeat, but alas it was not meant to be. The 1st
band was eating into my stomach so it had to be taken out and replaced. When
the 2nd one was put in, my body rejected it. After 1 week in the
hospital (4 of those in CICU) I was told that it would no longer be possible
since I had created an immune response to it and would continue to do so.
HcG: Now this
one was next. This happened the year after I had the Gastric Band taken out.
Now in theory, this one should have worked as well. They inject you with the
hormone HcG and your appetite and cravings go down. There is a 500 calories a
day diet that goes along with it. Now, with 500 calories a day, OF COURSE you
are going to lose weight.
And I did.
But, it was
too expensive to maintain, I was
losing weight very slowly and
it never really took my hunger away.
it never really took my hunger away.
If it doesn’t
take my hunger away, I don’t really want to continue on it.
Almased &
Master Cleanse: I grouped these together because they are very similar in
application. Basically, you go on a liquid fast for a couple of days and then
you reset or cleanse your body and start new. Now, for both of them, I have
been able to keep them up for up to 10 days (Almased) 15 days (Master Cleanse)
I have learned that after that, my weight loss stabilizes and I’m just starving
myself for nothing. The problem is the rebound. My body loses excess amount of
weight during that time, so when I start eating solids again, it stores it all
away and I gain the weight back, which freaks me out and I just say fuck it and
start eating again. Completely wrong.
And so, I have
come to the conclusion that all of these have at some point or another worked
for me in the short term.
But in the long term, they have not. Why?
Me
All me
My mind and my
heart are not fully in.
When I lost
80lbs, I had all the motivation in the world. I was single and had energy. I
didn’t have too many responsibilities. I wanted to lose the weight. But maybe
for the wrong reasons.
I wanted to be
thin. I thought that by being thin, I would get a better job, get a boyfriend,
find friends, be popular, and be pretty. All superficial reasons, but powerful
reasons in my mind. Those were the impetus I needed to succeed in my endeavor
to lose weight.
Fast forward to
me getting my Gastric Band off. I almost
lost my life. I almost died. My oldest son (only 18 months at the time) would have
grown up without a mom, all because I wanted to be thin. And so, on that weight
loss of 56lbs, I was driven to be healthy, and do it on my own. To be known as
the one that could lose that weight because I was strong willed.
And then my
world came crashing down. As I write this, my heart burns with sorrow, it is
hard. My husband hit some a major bump in our marriage. My self-esteem went
out the window. I was no longer happy. I had lost ALL this weight and looked better than I had in years, even better than when we were dating!
WTF.
Towel thrown
in.
I don’t think I
have recuperated totally from this. I totally gave up. I just said fuck it. It
doesn’t matter what I do. I’m still not good enough. I don’t have the will
power anymore to continue on the journey, and well, I stopped caring.
And worst
thing, this actually made me closer to my husband. See our relationship was and
is partly based on foods we love. Our dates consisted on restaurants or movies that
had a food integrated in them. OR, we would just pick up food (mostly
wings and pizza) and go back to the apartment to play video games and eat. We
would see commercials and decide what to eat based on what restaurant had new
stuff. To give perspective, when the McRib would come out, it was cause for a celebration! We
would plan our day on the day it came back. At night we would open up a new
cheese dip and try it out. Food was the basis of our relationship. Heck, one of
the first things I made for my husband was a cheesecake, his favorite. This led
to our first real date.
Now, I’m not
blaming my husband. Not in the least bit. We are both a sort of foodies. We love
food. It’s comforting. It’s happy in a bite. And if I had the metabolism of my
father’s family, we would not be having this conversation at all.
But alas, we
come to the next problem on the list. My metabolism. My digestive system.
What is wrong
with it?
At this point,
I don’t know. I’ve been told I have food allergies, yeast allergy, gluten
intolerance and celiac disease. I know that I have malabsorption issues and
others that are underlying. I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) which
also causes my sugars to go bezek. I have pre-diabetic tendencies and I have
high-blood pressure.
I can’t drink or eat anything with high fructose corn syrup or I get migraines from hell. I need all my vitamins in liquid or gel form so I can digest and absorb better.
I can’t drink or eat anything with high fructose corn syrup or I get migraines from hell. I need all my vitamins in liquid or gel form so I can digest and absorb better.
At this point,
I believe my body has been through so much, that it just said the hell with
you, I’m storing everything you eat and will sort it out later.
Thanks body; I
love you, too.
So what now? Am
I doomed? Am I to live my life as a 300lbs woman?
No. I refuse to
believe so.
But I also
believe that I have to deal with my issues before I can truly change. I have to
address my concerns and my limitations. I have to slowly change my perspective
and decide what I really want.
It will be
hard, almost impossible. But I have done impossible before. I have the will
power in me. I have to believe that there is no one or anything else that can
help me to lose the weight.
I just have to
believe in me.
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