Sunday, June 19, 2016

How many times can you get up?

By now you have watched me yo-yo through 4 years of different diet plans, techniques and mindset restarts. I have tried programs and books. I have tried procedures and medications. Some have worked, short term. Yes, I have lost 10, 20, 40, 80 lbs, but I have gained it all back and then some.

I have poured my heart out and told my story.  I have recounted my emotional tale to get trim and fit. I started this blog to record my journey, so I could look back and see my train of thought and what worked and what didn't. What worked and what didn't... that is the key in that sentence.

See, during all this time, a black little cloud kept circling around my head. It kept saying that I wouldn't succeed. It was there, it was always there. It was my skepticism that whatever I was doing at the time wouldn't work, or would only work for a bit.

I guess time had made me a little jaded. I kept failing and falling in each and every plan, diet, etc that I had tried or attempted.

The thing I realize now is that no matter what I was doing, I was doing it alone. I never seeked guidance. I thought I knew it all. I didn't follow the plans 100%. I read all the books and joined groups. I may have asked questions. I may have organized and prepared. But I never had cheerleaders in my corner.

When most of your food insecurities come from your upbringing, depending on family is not really an option. Sure, they cheered me on, at the same time they were handing me some tacos or tamales or other delicious goodies. And I don't blame them. They never forced me to eat anything. But it was the indirect sabotage that they may not have been aware of that inevitably caused my downfall.

My husband, my wonderful husband has always supported me in anything that I have wanted to do. He has always made me know that he would love me whether I was 150lbs. or 300lbs. I have never loved anyone as much as I love him. He gets me. He sees me for who I am, and has always remained at my side, just as I have for him. With that said, we are one in the same. Our food likes, and cravings. Our similarities are uncanny. So, cheat days became common. I don't think he was sabotaging me on purpose. I don't even think he knew that it was sabotage. I think he was trying to bring me happiness with the foods I liked to temporary break my bad mood from my restrictive diet. I never brought him into the fold with me.

And so, in essence, I've been alone. When doing these diets or regimens, I have never felt a connection to them. I've seen the before and after pictures of participants, but they were always of people who needed to loose 10, 20 pounds. None of them ever resonated with me. The only program that always had worked for me was Weight Watchers, and honestly the stories and pictures were always motivating because some were of people like me that need to loose 50-100+. But the thing is, that although the group help was there, (and I believe was a huge factor in my 80lbs WL) There was no personalized help. You went to the meetings and that was it. You listened. The help you got depended on the leader that day or that week. During my stint at WW, I had many different leaders. Some had only lost 10lbs, because that is what they needed to loose to become a healthy weight. Some had lost 40lbs. But I never had a leader that had lost as much as I needed to loose. That was one problem. The second problem was the aproachability or accessibility to these leaders. These meetings had sometimes 30-40 people and everyone wanted a chance to talk to the leaders. I would mostly give up and go on the message boards to have my questions answered. This led to me quitting the meetings all together and just doing it online. Well, that started the downfall. I no longer had the accountability of the face to face meetings. And that was another KEY. Only I knew my weight. Only I saw my food diary. And honestly, I didn't trust myself anymore. I would cheat and not record it. Alone. I would inevitability revert to doing it alone and by myself. And so, I would eventually quit when it became too much.

And there it is.
My three main issues:

1- Accountability
2- Support
3- Relatability

I can honestly say that none of the things I have tried in the past had all three.


And that is why I failed in the past.

No comments:

Post a Comment