Friday, July 4, 2014

Time to Begin, Again.

Life happens.
Lots of life happens.
Good things. Bad things. They all happen. Sometimes at once, sometimes one at a time. Time doesn't stop for anyone. Life continues.
I let Many things interfere with my weight loss, with my journey.
I let go.
I stopped caring.
Too many things to do. My Small Business. The Kids' activities and Therapies. Household chores; The endless dishes that piled up and act like Gremlins, you add water to them and they multiply.
It became easy to just drive thru the closest fast food joint.
Forget the fact that I'm a Celiac.
Forget the fact that I'm overweight.
Forget the fact that I'm Pre-diabetic and Hypertensive.
Forget the fact that I had lost 50lbs with hard work, dedication, sweat and Many, Many tears.
It slowly crept back up.
Until one day, I just couldn't look at myself in the mirror.
Nothing fit.
Nothing felt right.
I would wake up and couldn't even move my arms, they felt so weak.
I had difficulty breathing.
I had blinding headaches.

I hadn't stepped on a scale in Months.
It was time. I needed to.

I did it. I stepped on the scale and what looked back at me almost made me Cry.
My first shock.

This is what looked back at me.
I. Me.
I have NEVER been this heavy.
I have never weighed 285.8lbs IN MY LIFE.

How did this happen, how did I let it go so far.
How did I become so complacent and decide I didn't care.

I almost died 6 years ago.
Did I not take my second chance seriously?
Why did I give up?

All these questions, just running through my head.
Why Did I decide It wasn't worth it to take care of myself?
Why even bother?
Why even believe I had any self worth?
Where had my self esteem gone?

Am I truly that dysfunctional?
After loosing 50lbs, How did I gain it all back plus 20 more?
Why did it not matter, the loss? To have so easily and so quickly forgotten my goals.

My goals.
They were clouded by those pesky things called obstacles.
And I so easily allowed them to.

It is time.
It is time to go back to work.
It is time to stop procrastinating and do something for me.

I can't guarantee I will not fail.
But that is okay.
I am not judged by the number of times I succeed, but by the number of times I fail and start again.

After 11 months of unabashed eating, shameless binges, and no concern for my health, I'm ready.

I'm ready for something to change.
I'm ready to feel free of the constrains of food.
I'm ready to start feeling alive again.

After much consideration, A cleanse was imposed on me, and I agree.
My bloodwork was out of this world and I got in trouble.
I got a second shock.

I will Now chronicle this journey.
This starting again.

I have never said I was perfect.
My journey is mine, and mine alone.
It has it's highs and lows.

I have tried fad diets.
And I have tried procedures.
I have tried diet regiments
And I have tried diet supplements.

Something has to give.
Something has to work.
I have to change from within
To change my outside.

But this time it will be different.
This time I will chronicle, truly, my journey.
This time I will not be ashamed of how low I fell.
This time I will confess my good AND my bad.
This time I will lay it all out for you to see.

It's time to begin.