Wednesday, January 6, 2016

New Perspective

I have dieted and I have failed.
I have been bulimic and I have failed.
I have tried weight watchers, alli, meridia, the gastric band, HcG, Almased, Master Cleanse and I have failed.
Today, I will sit here and analyze why I have failed with these.
Bulimia: I was young and I was tired of throwing up all my food
Weight Watchers: Now this one, this one worked for a while. The combo of counting points and counting exercise. That one was a good one. Every time I have tried WW, I have succeeded in losing 30 -50 lbs. Depending on my age and how determined I was. The problem with this was that as soon as I stopped going to the meetings, I started gaining it ALL back. And more. I don’t think the problem was the program. The problem was me.
Alli & Meridia: These are grouped because I used them together. Now these worked great combined. They took away the hunger (Meridia) and when I did eat, it took away the fat (Alli). Thing is, I believe wholeheartedly that I got my high blood pressure so young because of these. Not to mention the disgusting side effects. Yeah, those side effects. No more.
Gastric Band: Holy shitstorm of bad luck, Batman. Now, when it was on for the first year, I did lose 80 lbs. I loved it. It became my limit bearer. I felt full faster, and I knew what to eat and when. I couldn’t just shove a ton of spaghetti because it would come right back up. I seriously loved the Gastric Band, and if I could do it again, I would in a heartbeat, but alas it was not meant to be. The 1st band was eating into my stomach so it had to be taken out and replaced. When the 2nd one was put in, my body rejected it. After 1 week in the hospital (4 of those in CICU) I was told that it would no longer be possible since I had created an immune response to it and would continue to do so.
HcG: Now this one was next. This happened the year after I had the Gastric Band taken out. Now in theory, this one should have worked as well. They inject you with the hormone HcG and your appetite and cravings go down. There is a 500 calories a day diet that goes along with it. Now, with 500 calories a day, OF COURSE you are going to lose weight.
And I did.
But, it was too expensive to maintain, I was losing weight very slowly and
it never really took my hunger away.
If it doesn’t take my hunger away, I don’t really want to continue on it.
Almased & Master Cleanse: I grouped these together because they are very similar in application. Basically, you go on a liquid fast for a couple of days and then you reset or cleanse your body and start new. Now, for both of them, I have been able to keep them up for up to 10 days (Almased) 15 days (Master Cleanse) I have learned that after that, my weight loss stabilizes and I’m just starving myself for nothing. The problem is the rebound. My body loses excess amount of weight during that time, so when I start eating solids again, it stores it all away and I gain the weight back, which freaks me out and I just say fuck it and start eating again. Completely wrong.
And so, I have come to the conclusion that all of these have at some point or another worked for me in the short term.
But in the long term, they have not. Why?
All me
My mind and my heart are not fully in.
When I lost 80lbs, I had all the motivation in the world. I was single and had energy. I didn’t have too many responsibilities. I wanted to lose the weight. But maybe for the wrong reasons.
I wanted to be thin. I thought that by being thin, I would get a better job, get a boyfriend, find friends, be popular, and be pretty. All superficial reasons, but powerful reasons in my mind. Those were the impetus I needed to succeed in my endeavor to lose weight.
Fast forward to me getting my Gastric Band off.  I almost lost my life. I almost died. My oldest son (only 18 months at the time) would have grown up without a mom, all because I wanted to be thin. And so, on that weight loss of 56lbs, I was driven to be healthy, and do it on my own. To be known as the one that could lose that weight because I was strong willed.
And then my world came crashing down. As I write this, my heart burns with sorrow, it is hard. My husband hit some a major bump in our marriage. My self-esteem went out the window. I was no longer happy. I had lost ALL this weight and looked better than I had in years, even better than when we were dating!
Towel thrown in.
I don’t think I have recuperated totally from this. I totally gave up. I just said fuck it. It doesn’t matter what I do. I’m still not good enough. I don’t have the will power anymore to continue on the journey, and well, I stopped caring.
And worst thing, this actually made me closer to my husband. See our relationship was and is partly based on foods we love. Our dates consisted on restaurants or movies that had a food integrated in them. OR, we would just pick up food (mostly wings and pizza) and go back to the apartment to play video games and eat. We would see commercials and decide what to eat based on what restaurant had new stuff. To give perspective, when the McRib would come out, it was cause for a celebration! We would plan our day on the day it came back. At night we would open up a new cheese dip and try it out. Food was the basis of our relationship. Heck, one of the first things I made for my husband was a cheesecake, his favorite. This led to our first real date.
Now, I’m not blaming my husband. Not in the least bit. We are both a sort of foodies. We love food. It’s comforting. It’s happy in a bite. And if I had the metabolism of my father’s family, we would not be having this conversation at all.
But alas, we come to the next problem on the list. My metabolism. My digestive system.
What is wrong with it?
At this point, I don’t know. I’ve been told I have food allergies, yeast allergy, gluten intolerance and celiac disease. I know that I have malabsorption issues and others that are underlying. I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) which also causes my sugars to go bezek. I have pre-diabetic tendencies and I have high-blood pressure.
I can’t drink or eat anything with high fructose corn syrup or I get migraines from hell. I need all my vitamins in liquid or gel form so I can digest and absorb better.
At this point, I believe my body has been through so much, that it just said the hell with you, I’m storing everything you eat and will sort it out later.
Thanks body; I love you, too.
So what now? Am I doomed? Am I to live my life as a 300lbs woman?
No. I refuse to believe so.
But I also believe that I have to deal with my issues before I can truly change. I have to address my concerns and my limitations. I have to slowly change my perspective and decide what I really want.
It will be hard, almost impossible. But I have done impossible before. I have the will power in me. I have to believe that there is no one or anything else that can help me to lose the weight.
I just have to believe in me.

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