1/1/2016
302.2
I have dieted
and I have failed.
I have been bulimic and I have failed.
I have tried weight watchers, alli, meridia, the gastric band, HcG, Almased, Master Cleanse and I have failed.
I have tried weight watchers, alli, meridia, the gastric band, HcG, Almased, Master Cleanse and I have failed.
Today, I will sit here
and analyze why I have failed with these.
Bulimia: I was
young and I was tired of throwing up all my food
Weight
Watchers: Now this one, this one worked for a while. The combo of counting
points and counting exercise. That one was a good one. Every time I have tried
WW, I have succeeded in losing 30 -50 lbs. Depending on my age and how
determined I was. The problem with this was that as soon as I stopped going to
the meetings, I started gaining it ALL back. And more. I don’t think the problem
was the program. The problem was me.
Alli &
Meridia: These are grouped because I used them together. Now these worked great
combined. They took away the hunger (Meridia) and when I did eat, it took away
the fat (Alli). Thing is, I believe wholeheartedly that I got my high blood
pressure so young because of these. Not to mention the disgusting side effects.
Yeah, those side effects. No more.
Gastric Band:
Holy shitstorm of bad luck, Batman. Now, when it was on for the first year, I
did lose 80 lbs. I loved it. It became my limit bearer. I felt full faster, and
I knew what to eat and when. I couldn’t just shove a ton of spaghetti because
it would come right back up. I seriously loved the Gastric Band, and if I could
do it again, I would in a heartbeat, but alas it was not meant to be. The 1st
band was eating into my stomach so it had to be taken out and replaced. When
the 2nd one was put in, my body rejected it. After 1 week in the
hospital (4 of those in CICU) I was told that it would no longer be possible
since I had created an immune response to it and would continue to do so.
HcG: Now this
one was next. This happened the year after I had the Gastric Band taken out.
Now in theory, this one should have worked as well. They inject you with the
hormone HcG and your appetite and cravings go down. There is a 500 calories a
day diet that goes along with it. Now, with 500 calories a day, OF COURSE you
are going to lose weight.
And I did.
But, it was
too expensive to maintain, I was
losing weight very slowly and
it never really took my hunger away.
it never really took my hunger away.
If it doesn’t
take my hunger away, I don’t really want to continue on it.
Almased &
Master Cleanse: I grouped these together because they are very similar in
application. Basically, you go on a liquid fast for a couple of days and then
you reset or cleanse your body and start new. Now, for both of them, I have
been able to keep them up for up to 10 days (Almased) 15 days (Master Cleanse)
I have learned that after that, my weight loss stabilizes and I’m just starving
myself for nothing. The problem is the rebound. My body loses excess amount of
weight during that time, so when I start eating solids again, it stores it all
away and I gain the weight back, which freaks me out and I just say fuck it and
start eating again. Completely wrong.
And so, I have
come to the conclusion that all of these have at some point or another worked
for me in the short term.
But in the long term, they have not. Why?
Me
All me
My mind and my
heart are not fully in.
When I lost
80lbs, I had all the motivation in the world. I was single and had energy. I
didn’t have too many responsibilities. I wanted to lose the weight. But maybe
for the wrong reasons.
I wanted to be
thin. I thought that by being thin, I would get a better job, get a boyfriend,
find friends, be popular, and be pretty. All superficial reasons, but powerful
reasons in my mind. Those were the impetus I needed to succeed in my endeavor
to lose weight.
Fast forward to
me getting my Gastric Band off. I almost
lost my life. I almost died. My oldest son (only 18 months at the time) would have
grown up without a mom, all because I wanted to be thin. And so, on that weight
loss of 56lbs, I was driven to be healthy, and do it on my own. To be known as
the one that could lose that weight because I was strong willed.
And then my
world came crashing down. As I write this, my heart burns with sorrow, it is
hard. My husband hit some a major bump in our marriage. My self-esteem went
out the window. I was no longer happy. I had lost ALL this weight and looked better than I had in years, even better than when we were dating!
WTF.
Towel thrown
in.
I don’t think I
have recuperated totally from this. I totally gave up. I just said fuck it. It
doesn’t matter what I do. I’m still not good enough. I don’t have the will
power anymore to continue on the journey, and well, I stopped caring.
And worst
thing, this actually made me closer to my husband. See our relationship was and
is partly based on foods we love. Our dates consisted on restaurants or movies that
had a food integrated in them. OR, we would just pick up food (mostly
wings and pizza) and go back to the apartment to play video games and eat. We
would see commercials and decide what to eat based on what restaurant had new
stuff. To give perspective, when the McRib would come out, it was cause for a celebration! We
would plan our day on the day it came back. At night we would open up a new
cheese dip and try it out. Food was the basis of our relationship. Heck, one of
the first things I made for my husband was a cheesecake, his favorite. This led
to our first real date.
Now, I’m not
blaming my husband. Not in the least bit. We are both a sort of foodies. We love
food. It’s comforting. It’s happy in a bite. And if I had the metabolism of my
father’s family, we would not be having this conversation at all.
But alas, we
come to the next problem on the list. My metabolism. My digestive system.
What is wrong
with it?
At this point,
I don’t know. I’ve been told I have food allergies, yeast allergy, gluten
intolerance and celiac disease. I know that I have malabsorption issues and
others that are underlying. I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) which
also causes my sugars to go bezek. I have pre-diabetic tendencies and I have
high-blood pressure.
I can’t drink or eat anything with high fructose corn syrup or I get migraines from hell. I need all my vitamins in liquid or gel form so I can digest and absorb better.
I can’t drink or eat anything with high fructose corn syrup or I get migraines from hell. I need all my vitamins in liquid or gel form so I can digest and absorb better.
At this point,
I believe my body has been through so much, that it just said the hell with
you, I’m storing everything you eat and will sort it out later.
Thanks body; I
love you, too.
So what now? Am
I doomed? Am I to live my life as a 300lbs woman?
No. I refuse to
believe so.
But I also
believe that I have to deal with my issues before I can truly change. I have to
address my concerns and my limitations. I have to slowly change my perspective
and decide what I really want.
It will be
hard, almost impossible. But I have done impossible before. I have the will
power in me. I have to believe that there is no one or anything else that can
help me to lose the weight.
I just have to
believe in me.
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