Dear Diary. Week 1.

I began on New Years Day.

I seriously didn't want to see how much I weighed but I did it.

298.6lbs.
Janurary 1st, 2015 9a.m.

WOW.

Yeah, that's not good.

 

I had already made up my mind to change my eating habits.

Again.

Like I have mentioned. I tend to do this in cycles. I loose, a lot, and get scared. SO I revert back to eating and eating and eating.

It's not only what I eat, but amounts.

 

I have been on the Weight Watchers program, and that has worked for me before. But now, I have so many dietary restrictions by being a Celiac and Allergic to almost everything that tastes good.

Kidding. Not Kidding.

 

Just to name a few of the things I'm allergic to or cannot eat.

Wheat

Barley

Rye

Malt

Oats

Whole Wheat Flour

  Durum

 Wheat Graham Flour

  Triticale

  Kamut

  Lupin Flour

Semolina

  Spelt

  Farina Flour

Wheat Germ

  Wheat Bran

  Yeast -Both Brewer's Yeast and Baker's Yeast

Autolized Yeast

Soybeans

Lactose

MSG

GMO

Modified Food Starch

High Fructose Corn Syrup

Red, Orange & Yellow Dyes

Peanuts

Almonds

Cashews

Pistachios

Sigh, If they take away my beloved Potato I will just want to curl up and not go anywhere.

This is everything.

Is there hope?

My doctors are perplexed as to why I still have the "wheat" belly.

 

I do have to admit, that although I haven't eaten any of the stuff that is bad for me, I have been eating stuff that is not healthy. A lot of GF Bread. A lot of Mexican Coke. A lot of tortillas. A lot of Cheeses. A lot of Meat covered in Oil. A lot of GF chips and Dips.

I haven't been exactly the poster child for healthy eating.

 

And so, I have done a complete overhaul of my eating.

This keeps getting harder and harder to start, or to keep it going.

The more responsibilities I take on, the harder it is to watch what I eat.

But it can be done. I have done it.

I cannot make any more excuses. I have to do.

I have to be fit and strong for my boys.

I want to see them grow up.

I want to be able to run around and play with them.

 

 

And so, this morning

January 5th, 2015 at 9:30am

I weighed myself after a complete do over on my eating. I have been eating healthy for 4 days.

295lbs.

3.6 pounds lost in 4 days with only eating healthy and cutting out the excess.

Not bad. Good Start.

Got to keep going and maintain it.

I hope to loose at least 2lbs per week.
This is the recommended healthy weightloss.

 

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

 

 



The Old Cliche

And so we start the new year.

2014 went by so fast. It really didn't stop from the start. Between my boys and their special needs classes, therapies and tutors, my business, my household, my marriage and school responsibilities, it hardly left any time for me. To take care of me. To focus on me and my health.

 

The question of, "How did I get this big?" is not really mine. I know exactly what happened. I stopped caring. I gave in to my cravings.

Every.Single.One.

And for as long as I can remember, that has been the case.

 

I believe I'm afraid.

 

I get to a certain point and then, I freak out.

 

50 lbs lost, 80 lbs lost, 60 lbs lost.

 

There is a cycle. I loose it and then I freak out about the changes in my body and I start eating. I'm not sure if it's an evolutionary thing or if it is a metal thing. But it happens to me.

Every.Single.Time.

 

I have been on diets since I was a teen.

I have had the gastric lap-band and almost died.

I have been diagnosed a Celiac and have multiple food allergies.

Still, I gain ALL the weight back, with interest.

 

I can't say I'm not going to do fall this year, but I have to keep trying.

I don't want another diagnosis.

I don't want Diabetes

I don't want Hypertension

I don't want Arthritis

I don't want a Hypothyroid

I don't want Depression

 

I have to be judged by the number of times I get up.

 

I will find time for me. I will find time to get healthy and loose all this excess weight.

I will.

 

 

 

 

Time to Begin, Again.

Life happens.
Lots of life happens.
Good things. Bad things. They all happen. Sometimes at once, sometimes one at a time. Time doesn't stop for anyone. Life continues.
I let Many things interfere with my weight loss, with my journey.
I let go.
I stopped caring.
Too many things to do. My Small Business. The Kids' activities and Therapies. Household chores; The endless dishes that piled up and act like Gremlins, you add water to them and they multiply.
It became easy to just drive thru the closest fast food joint.
Forget the fact that I'm a Celiac.
Forget the fact that I'm overweight.
Forget the fact that I'm Pre-diabetic and Hypertensive.
Forget the fact that I had lost 50lbs with hard work, dedication, sweat and Many, Many tears.
It slowly crept back up.
Until one day, I just couldn't look at myself in the mirror.
Nothing fit.
Nothing felt right.
I would wake up and couldn't even move my arms, they felt so weak.
I had difficulty breathing.
I had blinding headaches.

I hadn't stepped on a scale in Months.
It was time. I needed to.

I did it. I stepped on the scale and what looked back at me almost made me Cry.
My first shock.

This is what looked back at me.
This.
I. Me.
I have NEVER been this heavy.
I have never weighed 285.8lbs IN MY LIFE.

How did this happen, how did I let it go so far.
How did I become so complacent and decide I didn't care.

I almost died 6 years ago.
Did I not take my second chance seriously?
Why did I give up?

All these questions, just running through my head.
Why Did I decide It wasn't worth it to take care of myself?
Why even bother?
Why even believe I had any self worth?
Where had my self esteem gone?

Am I truly that dysfunctional?
After loosing 50lbs, How did I gain it all back plus 20 more?
Why did it not matter, the loss? To have so easily and so quickly forgotten my goals.

My goals.
They were clouded by those pesky things called obstacles.
And I so easily allowed them to.

It is time.
It is time to go back to work.
It is time to stop procrastinating and do something for me.

I can't guarantee I will not fail.
But that is okay.
I am not judged by the number of times I succeed, but by the number of times I fail and start again.

So.
After 11 months of unabashed eating, shameless binges, and no concern for my health, I'm ready.

I'm ready for something to change.
I'm ready to feel free of the constrains of food.
I'm ready to start feeling alive again.

After much consideration, A cleanse was imposed on me, and I agree.
My bloodwork was out of this world and I got in trouble.
I got a second shock.

I will Now chronicle this journey.
This starting again.

I have never said I was perfect.
My journey is mine, and mine alone.
It has it's highs and lows.

I have tried fad diets.
And I have tried procedures.
I have tried diet regiments
And I have tried diet supplements.

Something has to give.
Something has to work.
I have to change from within
To change my outside.

But this time it will be different.
This time I will chronicle, truly, my journey.
This time I will not be ashamed of how low I fell.
This time I will confess my good AND my bad.
This time I will lay it all out for you to see.

It's time to begin.

Open Letter to my Fat...

239.2

A few years back, I struggled with a Plateau. I could not seem to loose the weight. I had NSV. But I was getting discouraged. So my meetings Leader told me to write a letter to myself. Pour out my frustrations, getting everything off my chest.

Well, I didn't exactly want to give myself the third degree, since I was doing what I thought was right, and I felt that it would be displacing my anger toward who I really was upset at. Not myself, but my FAT. Yup, my pounds were at fault, they didn't want to leave me, no matter what I was doing right.

So I wrote my "Pounds" a letter....

"Dear 255#,

For a month now, you and I have been very close friends. We have spent 33 days of laughter and tears, OHHHH the tears.

I just wanted to say, that even though I haven't seen you in 3 years, it's time for you and me to part ways. Four weeks was enough for you and me, but it's now time for good-bye.

Believe me, 255#, when I tell you that I LOVED seeing you at first, but now it's time for me to see 253#. Parting is such sweet sorrow, but this time, the goodbye is forever.

Please let me go, I will cherish our time together, but I must move on. Please don't take it personally. It's not you, it's me. It's just not working for me, and I'm not happy with you anymore.

Please try to understand. There will be others that will be happy to see you. But for me, the excitement is gone.

LOVE always,

ALI
P.S. - CLINGING to me for another week WILL NOT make me change my mind.

253# and I have been exchanging numbers and we think we can make it work. I'm just not a monopounderist. I need to see other pounds.

Please don't make me resort to exercising more, cutting out WP and measuring ALL my food to get rid of you. That would be below you. But know this, I WILL do it if I'm forced to.

There are others like me that want to see you, Go to them and don't look back. I know I won't.

Frustratingly yours (for now)
ALI "

Take Care of You

"This is a lifestyle, not a Diet"

Very wise words that my WW leader uttered in one of my first meetings. Changing your whole attitude and mentality is a must, I repeat. This isn't a Diet. Again, diets are fast, easy solutions, that in the end don't work or set you up to fail since they are unsustainable for long term. 

Since this is a lifestyle, it is a must to take care of yourself. That includes not falling into the Bermuda Triangle. LOL. Let me explain. 

                                                                          Saboteur

                                                                             /       \

                                                                           /           \

                                                                         /               \

                                                                Jealousy ------- Instigators

These are your 3 major hurdles. Your Bermuda Triangle. It only takes one of them to suck you right in and lead you to fall. I'm careful to not say fail, because you can only fail if you give up. This is why if you happen to be caught in the Bermuda Triangle, you must break free and avoid it at all costs. 

SABOTEUR : This is the person who will try to "sabotage" or ruin your efforts. It's the person that will bring you a donut to your desk after saying you "look too thin" when you just finished saying you've lost some weight. This is the person that will fix your coffee and say "oops, I added an extra sugar" . This is the spouse that decides to take you out to dinner more often than usual, after you've lost significant weight. This is the "friend" that tells you, "oh, no need to exercise today! Come hang out with me instead"

JEALOSY: This not only refers to people, but feelings as well. Your feelings to be exact. You may get jealous of the friend that can eat anything and not gain weight. You, yourself might have been that person when you were younger and might be jealous of your past. DON'T. LET IT GO. Don't let it consume you. Be careful of those around you as well. They might be jealous of your success and thus become instigators, or even saboteurs. 

INSTIGATORS: Which leads me to the instigators. These can be direct or indirect. Direct instigators are those around you that have not become Saboteurs, YET. They will say things such as "one bit will not hurt", "you can cheat one day, I won't say a word" or my personal favorite, "don't be a party pooper, eat up!" these are the people that will try to make you feel guilty. DON'T LET THEM! This is important to keep in mind, since you can always talk back to a direct instigator. But what about an indirect one? These are your commercials and marketing. The food commercials that ome on the TV and say, "Yummy, eat me now!" Your Marketing in the Store that says, "50% off Potato Chips Humongoid Bag" WALK AWAY. TURN IT OFF. These are instigators, and they too, need to be dealt with. 

So, How to Cope with these People, you ask? 

Well there are certain steps you need to be aware of.  Only you can decide how to control the situation or how to handle it. Here are some Pointers:

* Be Prepared. Know an alternate option if someone offers you food you don't want to eat. If you know what is being served is not a healthy option, eat at home. Say you are full. Say you are allergic. Have a response ready. 

* Be assertive when saying NO. Saboteurs and Instigators smell fear! LOL, not really, but they can sense if you hesitate and will push you to say YES.

* Stay focused on your goal. 

* Use Positive Self-Talk. Use your previous success to your advantage. A simple "I'm good, thank you" can take you a long way. 

* If all else fails, WALK AWAY. It's better to hurt their feelings than hinder your efforts. They will get the idea and stop. And if they don't, you didn't need them in the first place. 

REMEMBER: Take care of yourself , no one else will do it for you. 

Thanks for visiting

ALI

Year One, and Gone.....

239

It's been a Year Now, since I restarted my Weightloss (WL) Journey and it's been a rollercoster ride.

So far, I have lost 38.4 lbs. 

In. One. Year.

I have to admit, I'm a bit disappointed. I'd hoped to be further along on my journey. But I do have to say that all month of June, I plateaued and stayed the same weight. In December (starting probably during Thanksgiving) I gained 10.2 lbs. 

So, this is where I'm at. I didn't go to my WW meetings all Winter Holidays. I slacked off on tracking my food, and ate as I pleased. 

This is the perfect time to bring up a motivational quote that I heard in a meeting, a while ago.

"I AM NOT JUDGED BY THE NUMBER OF TIMES

I FAIL,

BUT BY THE NUMBER OF TIMES

I SUCCEED"

I am reminded of the saying "eat to live, don't live to eat" it is important to understand the triggers to Binge eating. It's even more vital to get past the feeling and look for answers. 

* How did I get off course?

* What can I learn from this experience?

* How can I make it right? 

* What can I do to prevent this from happening again? 

Keep in mind, the answers are not easy to find. They are not easy to do. And they are certainly NOT easy to keep. But, once you ID your trigger and figure out how to avoid it, you are halfway there. 

Remember, one day at a time, no guilt and move on.

"OBSTACLES are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your GOAL"

Thanks for stoping by,

ALI

My Journey so far....

                                                                                                                                          241

"The Courage to Start, the Strenght to Endure and the Resolve to Finish"

I heard this quote once at a Weight Watchers meeting. To me, this embodies what weight loss is. All three are needed to have a successful Journey in Weight Loss (W.L.) 

How you restructure your mind frame into what W.L. is all about will dictate how Victorious you will emerge from your journey. 

First and foremost, don't call it a DIET. That is a dirty word. It should never be uttered by someone who wants to succeed. Call it a new eating regimen. Or a revamping of your eating habits. I, by no means am an expert, but every time I uttered the word DIET, I would feel restricted. I would feel like anything that I ate, that wasn't considered a "diet" food, was a form of cheating. This would lead me to feelings of failure and finally giving up. 

W.L. isn't just about what you eat, but about your mind frame. How you feel that day. Or the day before. It encompasses emotional baggage, whether you eat for comfort or happiness or you deprive your body of food because you are depressed. It is a roller coaster, in my opinion. You must be aware of these emotions to better identify what triggers your binges or fastings. 

What I hope to accomplish with this blog, is to pass on the information I have gathered thought my years of being a "Dieter".  My realization that I do not wish to be a "dieter" anymore. And to remind me of what I've learned along the way. 

I am 5'6" tall and when I started this journey, I weighed 278lbs.

That has been the heaviest I've been all my life. 

Here is my first journey back in 2010.

01-04-10: 278

01-11-10: 270

01-18-10: 266

01-25-10: 264 ----->5%loss

02-01-10: 263.2

02-08-10: 262

02-15-10: 260.2

02-22-10: 256.8

03-01-10: 257.4

03-08-10: 256.2

03-15-10: 255

03-27-10: 255.4

04-09-10: 255

04-15-10: 254.4

04-24-10: 256.2

05-01-10: 254.0

05-08-10: 253.4

05-15-10: 253.8

05-26-10: 253

06-05-10: 251

06-12-10: 253.2

06-19-10: 254.2

06-26-10: 254

07-03-10: 252.6

07-10-10: 251.6

07-17-10: 250. ----------> 10% loss 

07-24-10: 251

07-31-10: 243.8

08-07-10: 245.4

08-14-10: 242

08-21-10: 241.2

08-28-10: No weigh in. Pregnant.

I have written down my W.L. So far and in publishing it, will hopefully find me more accountable.